Diary of gunjan mathurhttp://tawakleygunjan.rediffiland.com/Diary of gunjan mathuren-usOver the past several years, we have all learned to live with IVRS - 'Inter-active Voice Response System' as a necessary part of modern life. I was just wondering what would happen if God decides to go hi-tech and installs voicemail? I gave it a lot of thought and came up with various scenarios:

Let us imagine a scenario. You dialed God's number.
'Hi! Thank you for calling God. Please select one of the following:

If you are Christian, dial 1
All Hindus, dial 2
All Muslims, dial 3
All others, dial 0.'
So, lets say you are a Hindu and you dialed 2. Here is what you hear:

Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thank you messages for God
Press 3 for Complaints about unfulfilled promises
Press 4 for All other inquiries.
If your prayers are still not answered, dial '0' and ask for Naradmuni.'

Or, if all Gods were busy, you might hear this:
'We are sorry, all Gods are busy helping other Bhaktas and Sinners. However, your prayer is important to us and your prayer will be answered in the order it was received. Please stay on line. One of the Gods will be with you soon.'

Or, it could even go this way when you start praying:

'If you know your God's extension, dial it now.'

Or, you might hear this:
'If you would like to speak to Ganeshji, Press 1.
For Lord Hanuman, Press 2.
For Lord Krishna, Press 3.
To confess your sins, press 4.
To ask for favors, Press 5.'
Or, you might even hear this:
'You have reached Lord Krishna's extension. I am going to be away to conduct a special yuddha to save the humanity and will be away until the year 2012. If this is something urgent and cannot wait until then, call Shankara at GB +44 779000020000 Call. If you want to speak to someone else, for other gods' directory, Press 6 now.'

Or you might even hear something like this if you call toward the end of your life cycle:

'If you think you have reservations at our Heavenly Resort, please provide your name, social security number and be ready to provide the proof of your eligibility. If you do not have the proof of eligibility, please dial 420-HELL and ask for General Manager Ravana, who will be happy to help you.'

Or, depending on the purpose of your call, you might hear this:

'If you are calling to find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her 'mantra' number, then press the 0 key. If you get a negative response, try area code 420-HELL.'

For all you know in this day and age of quotas and all, you might even get a response like this:

'Our computer records show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.'

Or you might even here this if you call on the wrong day:

'This Main Office of Heaven is closed for DIWALI holidays. If this is an emergency, you may try our Himalayan Retreat in the mean time by dialing 6000-31,000.'

So, let us hope and pray that God never learns about computers And IVR systems - because if he does, we are in BIG trouble!



]]>Wed, 23 Jan 2008 14:55:32 +0530http://tawakleygunjan.rediffiland.com/blogs/2008/01/23/Untitled.htmlHey guys take it in the right spirit,and girls enjoy!...
Time for some male bashing..... (For a change)...

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.
Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...
Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.. ...
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!


Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.



]]>Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:42:52 +0530http://tawakleygunjan.rediffiland.com/blogs/2008/01/17/Untitled.html






Interesting Management Stories








Story # 1


It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.


Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"


Fox: "Hmm... But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more."
Lion: "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed"


Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches"
Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed"


The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.


Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.



Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"


Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it?"



The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.


Scene :
Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.


Moral :
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.


Management Lesson in the context of the working world :
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES







Story # 2

It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."


Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."



Fox: "That's ridiculous ! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"


They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."



Wolf: "you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"


The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing. Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?


Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd ! "
 Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"


Scene :
As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.



Moral:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHOM YOU HAVE AS A SUPERVISOR.


Management Lesson in the context of the working world:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU OR NOT




Do you get hundreds of mails everyday? Delete none. Keep them ]]>Tue, 15 Jan 2008 10:10:10 +0530http://tawakleygunjan.rediffiland.com/blogs/2008/01/15/Untitled.htmlSmall story..

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage
anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single
conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered
at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going
marriage".

Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept
calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse
and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" .
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."

Husband: "That's it. We are happily married ever after. "


]]>Mon, 07 Jan 2008 10:42:43 +0530http://tawakleygunjan.rediffiland.com/blogs/2008/01/07/Untitled-2.htmlOne night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive
flames.

The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
"All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire department that
brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. ; Soon, more fire
departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was
now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's
secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer
fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the
age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared
right past all the sleek, newer eng ines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off
right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a
performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced
that for such a superhuman feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and
walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their
chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, " Da foist ting ve
gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!!!!
]]>Mon, 07 Jan 2008 10:41:12 +0530http://tawakleygunjan.rediffiland.com/blogs/2008/01/07/Untitled-1.htmlSomebody had sent me this which i found to be very relevant,thought of sharing with you.

A Person Asked God, "What Surprises You Most About Mankind ?"
God Answered : " They Lose Their health To Make Money And Then Lose
Their Money To Restore Their Health. By Thinking Anxiously About The
Future, They Forget The Present, Such That They Neither For The
Present Nor The Futher. They Live As If They Will Never Die, And They
Die As If They Had Never Lived..."

]]>Mon, 07 Jan 2008 10:21:23 +0530http://tawakleygunjan.rediffiland.com/blogs/2008/01/07/Untitled.html

Santa Singh sent his bio data to America to apply for
a post in microsoft

A few days later he got this reply:-

Dear Mr. Singh,

You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send
any further correspondance.No phone call shall be
entertained.

Thanks


Santa singh jumped with joy on receiving this reply.
He arranged a party and when all the guests had
come,he said "Bhaiyon aur Behno,aap ko jaan kar khushi
hogee ki mujhay america mein naukri mil gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted. Santa singh continued -Ab
main aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar
sunaongaa par letter english main hai isliyen
saath-saath hindi main translate bhee kartaa jaongaa.



Dear Mr. Singh ----- pyare singh sahab

You do not meet ----- aap to miltay hee naheen ho

our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai

Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab
letter vetter bhejnay kee zaroorat nahee hai.

No phone call ----- phone vone kee bhee zaroorat nahee
hai

shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.

Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut shukriya

]]>Fri, 21 Dec 2007 17:19:31 +0530http://tawakleygunjan.rediffiland.com/blogs/2007/12/21/Untitled.html15 PIECES OF ADVICE FOR WOMAN
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books .

14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal!


]]>Thu, 20 Dec 2007 13:58:46 +0530http://tawakleygunjan.rediffiland.com/blogs/2007/12/20/Untitled.html
If Titanic was made in India:

1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship

2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain

3) The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya"

4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die on the first dip

5) The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson

6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.

And last but not least

7) Half of the rescue boats would be reserved for SC/ST/OBC


]]>Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:56:45 +0530http://tawakleygunjan.rediffiland.com/blogs/2007/12/19/Untitled-1.htmlWillpower

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden,
but it was very hard work.


His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and mentioned his situation.


Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able
to plant my potato garden this year.



I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting
time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.If you were
here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me,
if you weren't in prison.


Love, Dad

.........

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:


" For Heaven's sake, Dad,don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the
GUNS!" At 4a.m.



The next morning,



A dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire
garden without finding any guns.


Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what
happened, and a sked him what to do next.


His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best
I could do for you from here ."




********


- Moral Of the Story


NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD,


IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN DO IT.

]]>Wed, 19 Dec 2007 13:33:46 +0530http://tawakleygunjan.rediffiland.com/blogs/2007/12/19/Untitled.html